Here I go again…

“Stop acting as if life is a rehearsal. Live this day as if it were your last. The past is over and gone. The future is not guaranteed.” (Wayne Dyer)

I don’t know where I am going to go with this writing tonight, so bear with me. This last 6 weeks has been a roller coaster. First there was the news that there may be a spot on my liver, which kicked me into high gear as fast as I could trying to get my mind and body together: yoga, biking, high doses of cucurim, liver detoxing, no alcohol, no sugar, therapy, and much more. In the end the second scan showed not one, but two tumors on my liver and then the added necessity of having a PET scan in order to rule out any other cancer metastasis in my body. That 24-hour wait for the results was brutal and frankly I have never come as close as I did that day to throwing up from nerves. Usually my body heads to the migraine for undue stress, but this was special, this day called for a lot of gagging.

Relief finally came with the call from Dr Ryan saying that it were still merely the two liver tumors. What a weird place to go. The day before I was devastated that I had these two tumors at all, then all of a sudden I was ready to pop champagne because I only had two liver tumors.

“Life moves on, whether we act as cowards or heroes. Life has no other discipline to impose, if we would but realize it, than to accept life unquestioningly. Everything we shut our eyes to, everything we run away from, everything we deny, denigrate or despise, serves to defeat us in the end. What seems nasty, painful, evil, can become a source of beauty, joy, and strength, if faced with an open mind. Every moment is a golden one for him who has the vision to recognize it as such.”  (Henry Miller)

We are headed to Boston tomorrow (Tuesday December 14) to spend the night at the hotel that spoons with Mass General Hospital. I will be joined by my team of bedside earth angels. The kids will stay in Vermont with Jake and Kristin Albee, whom the kids are more than thrilled to pretend are their parents for a few days (the extra added bonus being that they suddenly get a 4 month old brother). My surgery will be Wednesday morning and I will be first on the table that day. When we found out that I was going to have surgery Adrian and I were both secretly terrified that they would schedule it for Thursday the 16th. We later admitted to each other that it felt like it would have been a bad omen if it had. December 16th happens to be not only the day I was first diagnosed with colon cancer, but also the day that Adrian and Erik’s mother, Sandra died. And although I cant find much that says anything particularly amazing about Wednesday the 15th, it will certainly be the day Dr. Ferrone removes the last; do you HEAR ME?! The LAST!! Tumors out of my body. Ah, the lovely Dr Ferrone. I adore her. She is amazing, beautiful, tough skilled, capable and a mom of two littles. She is also someone I never wanted to see again, unless I ran into her in the grocery store or coincidentally on a really awesome vacation. That said; I trust her skills entirely.

Trust.
Now that is a big bite of mental, emotional and spiritual smorgasbord. It is hard to chew and has a tendency to keep getting stuck in my throat, mostly, I think, because the lump of worry and anxiety I am trying to dissolve keeps getting in the way.
My test right now is to relinquish control and trust that Dr Ferrone and her team will put me under and bring me through to the other side. I need to trust in my courage and strength to get through this minus only 30% of my liver and a bit of blood. I need to trust the power of energy and spiritual forces of everyone I know who is rooting for me. Conversely I need to trust that if I die (whew, it took me about 5 minutes to type those three letters in a row) Adrian will go on being the amazing dad he is and that my children, all 3 of them, will get the support they need to be at peace within themselves, to trust that people will remind them of who I am (was, oi.) and that no matter, I trust/believe that I will always be with/near them in spirit and energy.

My love for my kids, my husband, my sister, my parents, my friends, and all the amazing people I have met and continue to meet is too strong, too powerful to be fleeting or contained solely within this body. When I sit back and I think about the love I have for everyone and it makes me feel like I might just burst; like I need to throw back my head and yell it in the most primal way.

Listen carefully,

if the rain or thunder,

wind or snow

sounds like it is carrying an “I love you”;

It is.

I do.

“Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage.” (Lao Tzu)

Health, Love & Courage Shrine

a collection of jewels, words, talisman and symbols that people have given my over the years before and  during this adventure

13 Responses to “Here I go again…”

  1. Danny Jones Says:

    Lina….kick ass on 12/15. -Danny

  2. Hannah Says:

    Lina, you make me cry. I just want to hold your hand, through each moment of this…and I am. A blessing and a curse, this kind of battle wages. Beckoning you to stand and look life straight in the eye… Well, you’re looking; and seeing and fighting. And you will prevail on Wednesday.., Thursday, and every day after that. You will vibrate – with all of the love and knowledge of this journey, with all of your people. You are a warrior. And I love you truly.

  3. Andrea Says:

    Lina…sending you love and light.

  4. ellen Says:

    Thinking of you constantly. Sending you love. Lots of it. xox

  5. Jesse Says:

    Dear Lina,

    I will be thinking of you all day tomorrow. I wish I could be there to support you, Adrian, Lorna, Annie, RT, and the rest of your support team (both present and at a distance). I’ll be sending my love to all of you, and particularly to you, Lina.

    Helen checked your blog tonight. We’ve been following the updates since October and we wanted to know how the second scan had gone. Both of us had intended to drop you a note of support, but things got busy and we didn’t manage to. Then tonight (completely out of the blue), Helen decided to check this blog, and she came through to interupt my dish washing with the news of your post. I was really glad to be able to read it today, before you go in for surgery.

    Helen wants you to know that she’s sending you her strength, good energy and love. We will both be thinking of you all day tomorrow.

    Thank you for the courage and love you’ve shown in writing this post. Have a speedy recovery from the surgery.

    Lots of Love,
    Jesse in London (and Helen)

  6. Elena Says:

    Love you sweet sweet strong woman – sending all I can your way – love, hope, prayers, tumor asskickery – you name it – it’s all for you.

  7. Paul Rehm Says:

    Hugs, love, and prayers for you and Adrian and the kids, Lina. I’ll be anxiously awaiting the updates with good news on the other side of this.

  8. Mattawa Says:

    Lina,

    It is very cold here, -35 and colder by morning.
    This is good.
    Dense air’s carrying capacity is great.
    The alarm is set and I will be sitting in the dark for you in the morning.
    Sending all our love!

    Matt, Heather, and Lucy

  9. Grace Says:

    Dear Lina,
    We just read your blog, and are thinking of you and sending all of our love to you and to your band of angels who surround you with their love. If love can beat this thing, along with incredible doctors and your own determination and strength, then it will be beaten!!! Super love from all of us, Grace and Jim and Lindsey

  10. Tammy Myers Says:

    Sending well wishes and hugs to you across the computer – Good luck today!

  11. Diva Says:

    continuing to send love from all here out east
    one big giant hug full of strength -wish I could draw it for you to see

  12. Myers Family Says:

    It is early Thursday morning and we are sending a great big hug through the computer for you. Sleep well, rest easy…. We love you!

  13. pam Says:

    Lina….Harry said you looked good….
    they only saw the 2 spots….so hopefully this will be the end
    and you’ll be home by xmas….He said they were giving you
    pain meds…..enjoy! Know that we love you….he doesn’t go
    in on Fri…but we might come and visit over the weekend…..
    Know that we love you…
    Pam

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