Limbo

“The one permanent fear of the inferior man is fear – fear of the unknown, the complex, the inexplicable. What he wants above everything else is safety.” (Henry Louis Mencken)

I used this picture on my Facebook profile, so it may seem familiar/redundant to you.But a few people have made reference to or commented on the ghost like/haunted image. Perhaps it is because Halloween in a few days. Perhaps that is what is on our minds. I think subconsciously for me it represents how I am feeling. Limbo. I feel neither sad nor happy. I am awash with words and feelings at such a high rate of change it is as if the ebb and flow of the tide were on hyper-speed.

Familiar-Redundant-Unknown-Unhinged-Calm-Anxious-Unbelievable-Expected-Denial-Anger-Appreciation

These are words that are flying around my head like a childs mobile when the windows have been left wide open. The wind whips and blows and no body knows until they get home whether mother nature will have pushed torrents of rain/leaves or sunshine in through the window.

“Faith and doubt both are needed – not as antagonists, but working side by side to take us around the unknown curve.” (Lillian Smith)

I put aside the blog. Ran away from it really. It seems a fairly typical reaction ( I hope). I wanted to disassociate myself from the events of 2009. To wander through 2010 feeling carefree and to get my 1 year in remission report and skip happily into 2011. The truth is, things are neither as simple or easy as they appear. Do you feel there is a difference between “simple” and “easy”? I do. In the same sense that there is a difference between whether you “hear” or you “listen”. But ah… I digress. Avoidance.

Partially I kept saying to myself that I didn’t have any thing to say anymore, since I wasn’t in battle with cancer. The truth is I have tons to say, but it’s not about fighting a life threatening disease. The simple life is wrought with its own struggles and many of them are far more personal than broadcasting the experience and results of a colonoscopy. The question arises, how far do you go airing your laundry, some of it dirtier than you thought when it was dropped on the floor and kicked next to the hamper.

Also then, the question arises am I potentially gearing up to do battle again, or is this a wake up call to tell me that quieting my voice or the suppression of my experience and the reality of day-to-day life, is actually one of many things that aid and abet the return of the cancer pirates (that is a coy reference to blog numero uno. Wink wink)?

Chinese medicine says: Each organ in Chinese medicine is related to a specific emotion. The Liver is related to anger, especially repressed anger or frustration. When the Liver energy is stagnated or rebels upwards, a person is prone to depression or irritability. Ironically, this works both ways. Stress in our lives, leading to anger and frustration will be the biggest factor in causing a Liver imbalance.

I know I pledged to myself and possible on the very pages of this blog to turn things around, to speak more, to be the best me I could be … harder than it seems. I don’t believe that my angers and frustrations are the only cause of this disruption/”dittzel” (again the medical term for this unknown spot on my liver). But I do think that I fell into a state of denial that presented itself in not caring for myself the way I should have, and that this has added to an inability of my body to fight what ever maybe on the near or far horizon.

Have I been dancing? No.

Exercising regularly? Not really, and I don’t think elementary school kick ball counts because there is a lot standing around waiting for the ball to be retrieved and arguments about what is safe or out…you get the picture.

Have I been conscious of the amount of “toxic” stuff I consume (each persons definition of toxic is a bit different, I know)? Not as much as I should. Seriously. I know I don’t eat poorly and unbelievably have all but given up chocolate (which some of you know is astounding for me), but there are things… I could list them but I wont, not today anyway.

Blah. Is this a confessional? Maybe. Maybe I just needed to put it in writing. To say it out loud to myself and to you. To let in and let out what I feel. I feel like I could have been doing a better job and I feel I now need to make that change for the future. I feel I am not alone in the fact that I have family and relationship struggles (although the exact issues may vary) and that those things occupy a lot of energy and time both internally and externally. I often feel isolated and unhinged. And yet, I feel content that our house is done and we have a lovely town and neighborhood. I feel like I miss so many of you so often and want to visit you and have you visit us because laughing and sharing and sometimes even crying together are the parts of this life that give me sustenance.

I feel that maybe now I see that, no matter how it may be to say and hear, perhaps the truth will set me free.

“When you get to the end of all the light you know it’s time to step into the darkness of the unknown. Faith is knowing that one of two things shall happen: either you will be given something solid to stand on, or you will be taught how to fly.” (Edward Teller)

Tags: , , , ,

5 Responses to “Limbo”

  1. Brooke Says:

    I just want to say… no matter how far away we all are… ( and I totally get the isolated and unhinged thing…) it’s nice to know we’re really all out there/here thinking bout one another and sending love bouncing all round this place… I hope you’ve been getting what I’m sending my girl! cause I’m sending loads… all the time and missing youu… can’t wait to be with you in person again… but til then… I’m hugging you… everyday… rain or shine … with a big warm cozy smile! xoxo B.

  2. Elena Says:

    to my favorite bean – lady, sending all the love I have for you every day – all the good gooey stuff – the energy, the prayers, the support, the goodness, all of it in a tidy package.

  3. jane stetson Says:

    OK Lina,

    Sounds like you need a fellow survivor in this mix. There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t have the creeping thought of cancer crawl surreptitiously into my consciousness. I immediately think of something else cause dwelling is not in my reperatoire of helpful things to do (Truth be told,say I bravely, I am scared to death to think about any thing that has to do with the subject and like you move away from the moving vehicle)…
    I too want to exercise and sing and laugh and talk and be another me. I have come to the conclusion tho, that it has taken me a long time to be this me and acceptance of the me I am may have to be good enough for now.

    Dear Lina, should you wish to talk and talk and talk to a fellow warrior, I can listen well and I promise not to offer ANY advise.

    Many hugs and kisses to you.

    Jane

  4. Leslie Wing Pomeroy Says:

    I Love You. Let’s talk

  5. Dorine Tans Says:

    Oh, Lina, am I happy to see you are writing again! Because the writing itself is wonderful. Then the subject you are writing on is even more amazing: life itself.
    But what else to do? Start / continue taking good care of yourself, do not wallow in selfpity (look who’s talking), always remember the delusion that I am in here and you are out there… And keep writing, about anything.
    Love, hugs and all that,
    Dorine

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s


%d bloggers like this: