40 for the first time (again)

Okay. So I have no idea how many people will read this because it has been about 6 months since I last wrote.  I think I needed a hiatus to find out where my head was after the incredible journey of last year. Well, honestly, I am still trying to figure out where my head is, but that seems like a task most of us will have forever. My dear friend, Paula, sent me  a message a while back saying how she was missing the blog and wondered whether I would write soon (yeeps, that was in January). My response was something like; I haven’t really updated the blog because I guess I don’t know how to proceed post cancer. I have a desire to, but things are so sort of regular now and, also, since I am not battling imminent death I wonder are my musings relevant/important/note worthy…. maybe. But then again, maybe not.

I feel like having cancer is a bit like giving birth (not that I want to do it again) in the way that while you’re in the midst of it you think that the experience is so intense that you feel like you will never be though it. And then it’s over and time passes and you sort of forget how intense it was because everything seems normal and regular again. Maybe that kind of amnesia is Mother Nature’s way of helping you cope and get beyond painful things. Although it certainly doesn’t hold true for everything now does it? There are still things that pester and pain the mind and the heart from experiences we had growing up, or last month, or just last night. What is the reason the mind doesn’t let these go?

Closure? The finish line? There is a definite end to the intense part of birth or even the major part against the battle of cancer; while the emotional battles we have/had with our loved ones or ourselves are often played out over and over. Even if the script is not the same, the plot line has been again and again replayed; kind of like prime time teen shows where there is a misunderstanding between two characters and instead of just fessing up to it they have to fumble through all these generic hijinks. I mean, really, even I am getting bored with my predictable reactions to the predictable arguments Adrian and I have. But where the heck it that finish line and how do you cross it together (whether with your wife, husband, mother, daughter, boss) when it seems like you are running a relay or on different teams? And even if you figure out how to run the 3 legged race together, where the heck is the end?

“Learn to get in touch with the silence within yourself, and know that everything in life has purpose. There are no mistakes, no coincidences, all events are blessings given to us to learn from.” (Elisabeth Kubler-Ross)

I really have to apologize. I am out of blog practice and sort was just missing the musing and connecting part so much. I haven’t been writing and I haven’t been thinking as deeply as I was. Well, that’s not true. I have, but I haven’t been entertaining the thoughts beyond having them. They don’t find their way out; to the page, to you, to me, to examine and ponder.  What I am learning right now is that even if you feel like there are changes inside you that you can make, that you want to and ought to make, there are so many people and elements around you that are like a river flowing and carrying you down stream. And the ride is nice and comfy and the people and things around you are loving and supportive. And you don’t want to fight it and go up the stream, but what you want/need to do is clamber to the other side because you’ve seen it and even touched the banks and you know it is where you need to be.  But it is so darn hard to cross over. It is easier to ride down in the comfort of the same routine. I understand why yogis/native americans/mystics/addicts have to go off into the desert or forest. There is no way Jesus would have been able to be all he could be if he had stayed at home eating tender steaks and pungent buttery goat milk camembert and thinking that perhaps he had been able to follow his childhood dreams if his dad had been around more when he was little and his mom wasn’t always at work and too exhausted at the end of the day to praise his perfect cartwheels. No, instead he spent 40 days and nights off in the desert and broke the cycle and came back as… well, you know, Jesus.

40 for the 1st time (again)

Um, just so we are clear here. I am most certainly NOT comparing myself to Jesus. Nope. That’s be redonkulous and you know it! So just cut it out.

Okay. So I don’t  know where I am going with this other than to say that so much has happened and there is so much yet to happen.

People take different roads seeking fulfillment and happiness.  Just because they’re not on your road doesn’t mean they’ve gotten lost. (D.L)

13 Responses to “40 for the first time (again)”

  1. Sarah Says:

    You may not be Jesus (which is totally “ok” because he was pretty intense—I’m not sure if we would have been able to hang out)…but you are a Goddess! Such a long journey m’dear; I can’t even begin to fathom where my head would be if I were in your shoes. I’m glad you are writing again because it makes me feel not so far away from you. You are an amazing writer.Happy Birthday Lina!xxx

  2. Amy Says:

    Thanks for getting those thoughts out; to the page, to us, to me, to examine and ponder. You rock.

  3. pam Says:

    Happy Happy Birthday Lina Deer…..
    Sounds like you need a weekend away….maybe at Kripalu?
    I think I’m going to a Buddhist healing weekend in a few weeks…
    You just have to lie there….that’s sounds good to me….
    Check out their catalogue….they have lots of good things….
    In the meantime….Love to A and to your beautiful children….We miss you!
    Pam and H

  4. Cynthia T. Says:

    Lina,

    So glad to see you’re back in the blogging saddle again. Here’s wishing you some riverbank time, in whatever form that takes.

    love, Cynthia

  5. annie Says:

    Remembering your real 40th on your 41st after reading this wonderful, wonderful new blog entry…
    May 21st last year was supposed to be celebrated in the field outside our house…a band, a tent, Lina surrounded by a zillion friends, piles of presents, a huge celebration of your life of 40 magical “Lina” years. All this right here where you and Adrian were married almost 8 years ago. Well, as we all know, your huge gaggle of friends and family celebrated you for sure. You definitely were showered with flowers and presents and you were certainly “surrounded” by a zillion friends. But the “tent” was no tent in our field and the band was fine-tuning some very different instruments than any of us ever imagined. But oh, what a celebration! And what a gift. And what a journey. And thinking back, I wonder…how could we have made that journey without you at the helm? Through your blog, by email, telephone, real life and long-distance hugs, stunning sparkles of wisdom, and occasionally very necessary personal admonitions (oh, ok…those were mostly for your wreck of a Mom), you helped us all make last year’s journey safely into remission with you.
    It’s WONDERFUL to have you back in your blog, Lina. Another absolutely magical birthday present from you to all of us who love you and treasure you beyond measure. Happy 41st birthday, Lina! Love, Annie

  6. Brooke Says:

    hi!!! thank you… I love reading your thoughts and I superdooper love You!!!
    missing you tons as per always!!
    xoB.
    n p.s…. Happpiessssssst Birthhhhhhhdayyyyyy to You!! with a big big squeeeze

  7. Ann Wyman Says:

    Thanks Lina for sharing so much with us …………….. especially Georgia. We were thinking of you on your BIG BIRTHDAY.
    All the best for your trip to Switzerland. much love, Ann

  8. kathleeen De Simone Says:

    lord, I am whirling in and out of your rich and chewy blog!!! I am always so amazed at how many people we have rowing the boat inside us…the difference between the self who is trying to get the kids ready for school, or lusting after a pair of shoes at Stella’s, or really really really hearing the wind…I had an experience awhile back that has provided a kind of gnosis that you Lina have been given in buckets this past year…it was my youngest daughters 18th birthday and for a billion reason I wont go into it was absolutely critically and emotionally important to both of us that it be our version of PERFECT PERFECT PERFECT!!! …she wanted a huge feast of homemade tostada’s ( which I am impressively good at creating ) and so we had all kinds of friends coming and everyone was bringing an item to help make the feast…and several friends last minute couldn’t make (without good reasons egad) and it threw a monkey wrench into everything..Oh my, how did I have time to get avocado and still do the re-fried beans etc..blah blah) and I went into such a snit of annoyance, self pity!!! how could my friends treat me this way, how rude, stupid cruel etc…and I could not let it go, I was winding up to Bette Davis style BITCHY scene, and the dear friends who had already arrived were trying to calm me down, and me just about biting them!! what a drama!! just when I was ready to explode, a dear, dear friend called and told me her 7 year old son was missing…. well there are wake up calls and there are wake up calls… I do not believe 30 years at the feet a Zen master, or 20 years of yogic training could have balanced me as completely and instantly as those words…it was like I was standing on the point of a diamond of light I was CLARITY I could have heard a pin drop 3 blocks away…I can not explain where it came from nor take any credit for it…but it was a astounding and powerful experience and presented me with being of self, that I never knew before…it changed me in such a fundamental way— I came out side of myself I was totally there for another (of course I also adored the kid and he was a part of my life)…….he of course was fine but we didn’t know for about an hour, seemed closer to a century!! he had walked home from school with a friend and just stayed there playing, the friends mom thought his mom had okay ed it –wasn’t till she called to ask if he could stay for supper that we found him…!!!) we were waiting with the police, my friend had the police pick him up just so he would know how serious this was!!!!)
    I can still taste that moment…the strength–the clarity of each cell in my body…of it the power of it!!
    now he was of course able to come to the b’day party and it was grand affair indeed, all our joyful was tenfold and we had an hysterically wonderful time that was twice grand as it would have been if we had made it “PERFECT” actually it was beyond what perfect could have been…
    his mom said after the party he would have to pick his own punishment…he chose 2 months of no tv…!!!
    but where do those beings dwell when we are in the day to day…? and feeling bored and annoyed and overwhelmed and stupid…and you know…sigh..just thought I would share this we you most lovely Lina, I just adore you…and have learned so much by your ability to share your journey. surrounding you with love and light and recommending you go with Pam on that retreat…sounds food for the soul…

  9. Dorine Tans Says:

    Oh, Lina, how glad I am that you are blogging again ! These last 6 months I checked once a week to see if you had. And you know, it’s not only writing about what you are going through, but it’s the way that you write that is so uplifting and deepdigging. Keep lifting and digging.
    Love always, and happy 40th,
    Dorine

  10. willow Says:

    Yes, yes, yes, to the universe for our dear Lina bean. Thanks for sharing your thoughts and musings. I am so glad things are feeling predictable these days, though that is something I don’t often say. I love you Lina and can’t wait to see you again. Maybe this summer, somehow, someway…
    love and best wishes, Willow

  11. connie feydy Says:

    oh Lina,

    Thank you for blogging again. I was hoping. It was so good to read it and the river you described is so true- seems such an accurate description for the feeling. It totally made sense, and was so visual, and yet, I wouldn’t have come up with it. And it felt like you were writing to me. That’s what good writers do, I think. Also, I can’t believe it’s been a year since your last birthday. Happy Birthday- I’m very happy you were born (that’s what my favorite aunt always says).

    Connie

  12. Erica Leigh Says:

    Dear Lina,
    I will never forget the powerful image of your first blog ” I have been kidnapped by cancer pirates and stuffed into a dark bag of some mysterious future… ” how crisp and juicy with image your blogs ,since that life altering message, have been…. I truly believe with all my being you are a beautiful creature with a wonderous mind and love love love reading your thoughts on cyber paper… oh yeah and for the record I have always thought adrian looked quite a bit like Johnny Deep… maybe more jump street days then pirate but he does love to dress up no?… happy (late) birthday love…

  13. annie Says:

    Lina,
    Write to us. Tell us what your haunting October photo on Facebook is thinking. Let all the bats and muses, monsters and teddy bears fly out of your dreams and onto these pages. Our arms, hearts, souls, and love are here to support you as you continue on this journey with no map, no flashlight, no magic wand. Just magic you…and many, many magical friends you’ve gathered into your great wide circular weaving.
    There is one tool you will always have on this journey and will have all your beautiful long life. Love. Plentiful love. Alal our love. My love…and and all the support the spirit of your life and structure it will require will need are yours for the asking. Ask.
    I hope to see you return to these pages as our beloved weaver of wisdom, humor and thoughts. As my most beloved daughter.
    You remain in our hearts as you remain on this difficult and brave journey through the unknown to rebuild your life and secure your health. Love and more love to you, Annie

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