It’s not the what? It’s the how. It’s not when? It’s now.

How do you free yourself from an experience? I have loads of them I have sloughed off, can’t recall unless someone reminds me and even then it’s sketchy. Almost all of my elementary school through college is vague and disappearing slowly. Unused. Then there are the experiences that I’d like to release and yet they have burrowed so deeply inside me that they are no longer memories, or feelings, but have become part of my DNA.

I’d like to free myself of the experience of cancer. Not because I am not proud or grateful for some of what came from it. But mostly because I get fearful that if I spend too much time thinking about it, it’ll come back. Obviously, I can’t walk away and every day I think about it, more than once for certain. Really I just don’t know what to do with my experience of having had cancer now. And I do feel like I should do something with it.

You know those tea bags that have the little fortune dangling from the string. Well, I can’t help but see them as a particular message meant for me (because I happened to grab THAT very tea bag) at that very moment. Superstitious much? Yep. Anyway, tonight mine said:

To learn, read

To know, write

To master, teach

Okay got it. But teach who? teach what? teach where? And is that even it? I just dont know. But I sure would like to think that there was something meaningful to do with this experience rather than try to slough it off.

Something will eventually come to light, the path will reveal itself… I just need to drink more tea, that’s all.

I hope you had a lovely Turkey day if you celebrated it. I Hope you had a lovely Thursday if you didn’t.

My holiday blessing to you:

“Let us rise up and be thankful; for if we did not learn a lot today,

at least we learned a little, and if we did not learn a little,

at least we didn’t get sick, and if we got sick at least we didn’t die, so let us be thankful.” (Buddha)

3 Responses to “It’s not the what? It’s the how. It’s not when? It’s now.”

  1. mamamissimo Says:

    Lina, You really do have to keep writing—thinking, feeling, imagining, weaving your soul’s knowing into this beautiful tapestry of wisdom and creativity that you have blessed us with during this past year. You have helped us all grow wiser, stronger, more honest, and more aware. In teaching yourself, you’ve taught us. Just remember Buddha’s wise words…”Before enlightenment, chop wood, carry water. After enlightenment, chop wood, carry water.”
    Love you my dearest Lina, Me

  2. Erica Says:

    I have always advocated for you to write a book… i cant even imagine how colorful and creative it would be and i know i for one am so inspired with how graceful and elegant and sexy and strong you were while persuing life and defeating cancer,,, i see so many suffering from so many things and it seems to me belief in the possibility of getting better can be the hardest battle to win… you have so much to share and teach and are so eloquent with your prose…. im sure you could find and illustrator is needed and i for one would buy that book…. anyway dont pressure yourself these things have a way of finding us… nameste beautiful…

  3. Dorine Tans Says:

    Dearest, dearest Lina. You have already taught me so much! I can’t begin to describe the what and the how. I’ve missed your blogs and I reprimanded myself for it: let the woman be! She’s just gotten over cancer, give her a break! But I was so happy to see that you wrote yet another one. Just don’t stop writing, whether it is blogwise, bookwise or otherwise, just be wise and beautiful and strong like you have been this whole past year. Thank you for writing so wonderfully, and I just hope you will never stop and that you will share it with us.
    Lots of love, Dorine

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