The sun, the moon, and the truth

“The sun will rise tomorrow. It always does, and all the wishing in the world for the way things were, or for what they could have been, won’t change that. It won’t change how things are.” – Elizabeth Scott

Tomorrow I get my CAT/PET scan. It is the definitive answer to the question of the month: whether the cancer is truly gone? Like I said before; I feel in my heart of hearts that it is, but still need the technology to confirm it.

The other day while out on a walk up lovely Mt.Peg, my mum asked whether the physical or the mental/emotional part of this cancer journey has been more difficult. There was no time spent retrieving the answer. The physical has been a breeze comparatively.  My body seems to heal pretty darn well and fast, the chemicals and poisons seems directed to the right places for the most part and don’t bring too much extra damage. I have been told throughout this entire journey how I look quite healthy. I have my muscles, I have danced, and I have hiked the little Woodstock mountains throughout this.

The thing I have found is that the body does heal. The scars are there for sure. They are real, they are red and sometimes angry looking: but they are the testament to some serious healing. And, aside from in the initial 6 weeks after my liver surgery, there is no worry of the wounds  doing anything other than healing. This is true for all the physical scars I have amassed throughout my entire life. This is true for you too, right? Unless you had a tendency to trip, or fall often and that pesky chin wound (that almost EVERYONE seems to have, except me) seemed ever present. Regardless, whether somewhat disfiguring or not, the physical scars heal and you and I and everyone in the world can SEE it and FEEL it.

The mind however… the emotional wounds of the past and present, whew. Well those are a bit more murky now aren’t they? Emotional scars do have a tendency to reopen. Those scars are so hidden and buried in soft, dark nests within us, that sometimes they don’t get to be exposed to the air, to the LIGHT in order to heal properly.  Often, just when I think I have healed everything; done my time, my therapy and let go of regret, blame, anger, resentment… POP the wound bursts open and I am left with a mess I am trying to re-suture in the pitch black of my psyche.

When I had my hernia operation  some gortex patches were put in to keep my muscles and intestine stuff together. Throughout this last 10 months I have been sometimes searching for, and sometimes avoiding, looking for the patches to tighten up those internal emotional wounds and let the scars do their beautiful scar thing. Huh?Beautiful scar thing? By its nature “scar tissue is stronger than regular tissue. Realize the strength, move on.” (thank you, Henry Rollins).

I don’t mind the physical hurdles, I am certain my body will do what it is supposed to do, heal stronger. I am still learning how to apply that to my heart, mind and the little kid in me that is looking for the gortex. It’s just that sometimes I would rather feel nothing than have to go through the ups and downs. A metaphorical example of this is that I am inclined more to a “french” bathing program. Luckily for me (and my family and friends) I am not a stinky person. However, it is not that I don’t enjoy a good shower, or bath. In fact I love a good shower or bath…really love it.   The problem lies here in; I hate the cold feeling of getting undressed to get into said shower or bath and I abhor the painfully cold feeling of getting out. So therefore I don’t go in often. Seriously. Metaphorically this stands true for a fair number of things in my life. I would rather not feel really good at all than to have to go through feeling bad/uncomfortable for a while.

BUT this has not always been true for me and now I set to work trying to find that person/kid/girl/woman who didn’t mind the stripping down and leaping in (literally and metaphorically ) because somewhere in the journey something was going to feel really good and bring lots of LIGHT and LOVE.

“To do anything in this world worth doing, we must not stand back shivering and thinking of the cold and danger, but jump in, and scramble through as well as we can.” – Sydney Smith

fingers crossed in prayer

fingers crossed

12 Responses to “The sun, the moon, and the truth”

  1. rone shavers Says:

    sending you lots of love and good thoughts, LIna…


  2. Brooke Boardman Says:

    got everthing crossed for you lovely!!… fingers, toes, arms n’ legs too… all my hairs’re crossed as well.. oh
    n eyes mustn’t forget those
    loveyouloadsnloads!! n’ll see you end o’ next week

  3. connie feydy Says:

    You write so honestly that when I read your writing, in a sense, it feels like you’re writing right to me. I absorb everything you say and process it in a way that helps me understand myself, and love myself. And of course, it makes me love you all the more. Thanks for that, deer Lina. I hope you always write.

    Thinking of you- everything crossed for the scan tomorrow.

  4. Amanda Says:

    Like after a dream
    In the stillness of night
    Everything’s so clear

    Like after the sun
    In the cold morning light
    Everything’s near
    Everything’s so near you can almost see

    Like after a fall
    In the pain that you feel
    Everything’s so real
    Everything’s so real you can almost touch

    Like after a song
    In the words that we say
    Everything must fade away

    My friend James wrote this song, and I’ll be singing it tomorrow at the Epsicopal Church in Burlington. For you.

    Feeling it, and sending you love


    • lina1969 Says:

      I think i will be making up the tune myself, but i will be singing right along with you in my tight little CAT scan capsule. Thank you (and James) for that. love lina!

  5. Anne Berndt Says:

    Lina dear! Anais Nin wrote this little poem.

    “And then the day came,
    when the risk
    to remain tight
    in a bud
    was more painful
    than the risk
    it took
    to blossom.”

    I love you! Annie

  6. pam Says:

    Lina….I hope with all my heart you get good news. Harry and I were planning a
    visit up there last month and at the last minute decided to go someplace warm
    (Bermuda) which is less than 2 hrs. away. We had a great time but we still want
    to see you and A and the kids so we will make it up there at some point.
    If either of you are in town, give a call….I have lots of art mags I’ve been saving
    for you both. I’ve been doing a lot of work for CAA since I’m now pres. and don’t forget you and A can enter shows by emailing a photo. Harry and I miss
    you both…love to all and you look fab in your photos.

  7. Ann Says:

    Been thinking of you……..please let us know when you can.

  8. pam Says:

    Forgot to end with…
    O Ka Maluhia no me oe
    (Hawaiian for Peace be with you)

  9. Jane Says:

    I so like the thought expressed in the poem that your Mother sent.

    Of course, we are anxious here to find out the results stated by the medical experts. But you know, whatever has, or will be, said by them, ultimately you are in charge. And those experts can probably learn a lot of useful information for their practices by consulting with you. You are at the helm of your boat.

    on that note, I am going to bed. XXXOOOXXX(and more)

  10. S-S Says:

    Dear Lina,

    Thanks so much for your thoughts and optimism. As usual, they touched my soul. My prayers are for your success in healing in every way.

    love and hugs

  11. Jesse Says:

    It’s always so amazing to read your posts. Thank you for sharing this. I am thinking of you. It was great to reconnect recently! I’d like to say more but I’m on the road, and don’t have much time at this computer.

    Jesse of London (but presently in the USA)

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