Come with me, take my hand, and we’ll run!

Optimism is the faith that leads to achievement.
Nothing can be accomplished without hope and confidence.
-Helen Keller

I am ready to hold hands with Roger Daltrey and sing out “ I’m Free… I am freeee”. And in many ways I am free, but I still have a CAT scan to pass and to get my skin brooch (metaport) removed.

I am feeling a huge mix of relief, nausea, excitement and exhaustion. On Saturday the visiting nurse didn’t show to release me from the cleano for almost 2 hours. I however, was so ready (and able, after 12 of these), so I unhooked, flushed and bandaged myself as soon as I realized she was one minute late. I have to say, it was extremely cathartic to take the situation into my own hands, to reclaim the power over my body.

We live in such a busy world. Moving here and there constantly doing this and that, constanly letting parts of ourselves slip away. If you are cuddling papa or a mother…a nursing mother… whose body and time provides necessary comfort for those around you it is even easier to lose sense of yourself/ your body. Nine months of medical intervention, chemical pushes, and surgeries can certainly detach a person in a variety of known and unknown ways.

Remember how things still felt new when you were small? Even though you may have experienced them one or more times before. The first day with out shoes in the spring, dew on the grass, cold and wet between your toes. The way a cool sheet falls against your still legs when some one tucks you in. A lost tooth and the way your tongue fits just so into the emptiness, looking at an insect for undetermined amount of time from about 2 inches away. The mystery and dance of dust motes in the light of a still moment.

A new day. There used to be a time when each one of us bounded out of bed to greet the new day, and whatever it had in store for us. Perhaps a pirate fight, a thunderstorm that carried the weight and smells of energetic ions, a rousing game of tag, some time gathered in anticipation around the easy bake oven. No matter what the adventure, we jumped each sunrise at the chance to HAVE that day, to live it. And sure, our “grown-up” responsibilities are tenfold; our time isn’t spent absorbing the wondrous dance off dust motes… But it could be a little more right?

Lovies, I have this chance of changes and newness; metaphorically, spiritually, intellectually and physically. The question keeps returning “how to make it so”. How does one not fall into the same rigamarole that got me here in the first place?

Well, here is my proposal. Each and every one of you has climbed this mountain with me. You have held my hand and I have held yours, you have pushed me forward when I was feeling logy, you have expressed pride and adoration and you have cheered and smiled at all the successes.  Time is too short to wait for perfect moments. Let’s support each other in doing the things we want to, long to do. Take the risks that make you uncomfortable. Help me, help you, and help each other. It isn’t and won’t be easy. These are muscles that have gotten little use for a too long while. Practice patience, love and humor with each other, and with your self especially.

Now is the time, learn to play guitar, try out for the play, lie out in the grass holding hands and watch the clouds go by, even if it means being late for dinner.

Yeah, maybe it seems unrealistic and impossible to live life to the fullest to appreciate each butterflies journey though your eye line, each mote afloat, each moment to run free: and at the same time continue to provide and live a financially viable and successful life. Probably. But I say, what the heck, I can’t think of a greater bunch of people to secede from the union and start our own utopia with.

Ps. don’t forget to dream.
figure head lina
Freedom is a body’s imagination
Freedom is a full-time occupation
Freedom’s in the state of mind- (Shenandoah)

9 Responses to “Come with me, take my hand, and we’ll run!”

  1. Erica Says:

    I cant even believe the relief i feel. Have been waiting for this day along time. Have nurtured and worried and laughed and cried for nine months along with you. I have a pride for your successes as though you are one of my youngins who has learned to ride a bike or take the first bus ride to school and yet you are a bit of a buddist sage to me a well. Not only have you shown the nurse in me that people can survive this and given me the strenght to walk into the room a a crying 42 yo mans room who is struggling with liver cancer and tell him he will and can make it..or to hold my patients hand as she has her port accessed for the first time and make her laugh at the obserdity of it rather than cry… but you have given me the weakness to cry and lament and be sad for how hard each day with an illness can be, thank you lina for surviving this battle with grace and wisdom and beauty… your my hero and I love you.

  2. ellen Says:

    LOOOOOOOOOOOVE this. All of it. Happy for you, happy to follow your example of living a fuller life. I love you lady. xoxoxo
    By the way I think you look so much like your mom in this picture!!

  3. Jean Says:

    How to make it so? You already have Lina…you already have. Thank you, thank you for sharing all that is “you” during this most arduous journey.
    You are so beautiful! Onward and upward!

  4. Ann Wyman (Nana) Says:

    Lina my dear.
    What a poet you are. We share your relief for the freedom from this chemo. We are rooting for you all the way and really admire your spunk. We’re here for you whenever.
    Much love, Ann and Mead

  5. Cynthia T. Says:

    Dear Lina,
    What a moment to take in.
    I just returned from a friend’s 50th b-day party tonight. I gave her a great card showing this dog running like mad through a field smiling as dogs are wont to do (when running in a field) and the inside caption said, “Run like the gate’s unlocked”. Your posting felt a bit like that and was just so great to read.
    Onward and further, Babewoman.
    love, Cynthia

  6. Dorine Says:

    And again: Alhamdoulillah !!!!
    Loads of love,
    Dorine

  7. Anne Berndt Says:

    Lina,
    Reading your recent blog made me think of you as a child…a little girl stretched flat along the precarious beams forty feet high perched in the dazzling lighting system overhanging the stage at the Papermill Playhouse. You’d watch play after play (Pippin, Shenendoah, Jesus Christ Super Star, The Magic Show, the Nutcracker Suite, Grease) from both the energetic side stage and the spotlights. I remember how you memorized the dance routines and songs after one or two performances. You were amazing…your eye for detail, your love of some of the songs, dances (oh yes the dances!) and characters. You were a favorite little “star” of the crew and cast…you and Lorna (Lorna who specialized in touching the intense textures of the costumes and soaking in the sensations that electrified that magical world and then to go home and be taught the songs and routines by her favorite big sister). Away from the theater, we’d sing the songs from the shows at the top of our lungs and none quite as much as the song from Pippin that I’ve attached below. It’s was a favorite of yours sung through a male voice, but it’s your little voice singing into your dreams.
    This is your song. You are my dream come true. I love you brave, beautiful, strong Lina.

    ~ PIPPIN “CORNER OF THE SKY”~

    Rivers belong where they can ramble
    Eagles belong where they can fly
    Ive got to be where my spirit can run free
    Gotta find my corner of the sky

    Everything has a season
    Everything has its time
    Show me a reason
    And Ill show you a rhyme
    Cats been on the window sill
    Children fit in snow
    Why do I feel I dont fit in
    Any place I go

    Rivers belong where they can ramble
    Eagles belong where they can fly
    Ive got to be where my spirit can run free
    Gotta find my corner of the sky

    Every man has his day dream
    Every man has hit goal
    People like the way dreams
    Have of sticking to the soul
    Thunder clouds have their lightning
    Nightingales have their soul
    Cant you see I want my life
    To be something more than long

    Rivers belong where they can ramble
    Eagles belong where they can fly
    Ive got to be where my spirit can run free
    Gotta find my corner of the sky

    So many men are destined
    To settle for something small
    Dont you know that I wont rest
    Until you know I had it all
    So dont ask where Im going
    Just listen when Im gone
    And far away youll hear me singing
    Softly to the dawn

    Rivers belong where they can ramble
    Eagles belong where they can fly
    Ive got to be where my spirit can run free
    Gotta find my corner
    Gotta find my corner
    Gotta find my corner of the sky

    Lina,
    It’s your time to be fly…to rediscover your “corner of the sky”. Thank you for your generosity of spirit, soul, intelligence, love in abundance as you’ve traveled this precarious journey and for sharing your unique, brave spirit—enrapturing and capturing us all in it’s utterly transforming magical humor and wisdom.

  8. JimmyBean Says:

    I don’t know If I said it already but …Hey good stuff…keep up the good work! 🙂 I read a lot of blogs on a daily basis and for the most part, people lack substance but, I just wanted to make a quick comment to say I’m glad I found your blog. Thanks,)

    A definite great read..Jim Bean

  9. annie zalinger Says:

    lina,
    we have been following your every post with great respect for your endurance, good humor and sense of self. some have been so difficult to read that i could only think of the pain and suffering that brought them, others so beautiful i almost forgot why you were writing. you’re on the home stretch – don’t lose the shoes!
    when you are up to it we’d love to visit.
    our love,
    flip and annie

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