Number 10 of Twelve

Yes, it’s true. I have been avoiding you (my blog). I have been trying to figure out why exactly. I got through all my surgeries swimmingly, my scar has healed into a beautiful flat centipede, I am getting used to my lack of gallbladder, and have put back on all the weight I have lost over the last 7 months (which my Doctor thinks is just great, and IĀ  think “meh”).

The thing is, these last bunch of “cleanos” are really difficult. Not just the side effects; nausea, finger sensitivity, nerve tingles, acne rash, the “chemo brain”; The hardest part is turning out to be the mental hurdle of getting through this last bit. I feel fine, I feel in my heart the cancer is gone. To have to haul my self to the infusions, knowing I am going to feel so cruddy, knowing that in some ways I am also poisoning myself, is probably the hardest part of the challenge since first hearing the diagnosis.

I am in my head so much, trying to psyche myself up, trying to believe that once it is over it is truly over, trying to keep my chin up, trying to understand what sort of stresses may have contributed to this disease and how to not venture down that path again, trying to keep my wits about me as my brain seems to get foggier and foggier. Word recollection and names are getting more and more difficult to access and that is weird and worrisome as some people never get over the side effects.

I feel like I am at the end of the marathon and I don’t know how many people I have passed or been passed by. All I know is I am still running, the end is almost within sight, and that I feel incredibly lonely. Not because of any lack of love and attention from all my lovely people, but because, I believe, it is the nature of the race.

The wonderful nurse who sets up the home portion of my “cleano”, Barbara, is a breast cancer survivor. She and I were talking today about this mental hurdle. It’s normal. Not easy, but normal. We guess it builds character, though we both think we had an adequate amount of character to begin with and that getting much more character is just kind of greedy. Hah.

Anyhoo darlings, my last “cleano” is September 10th. At some point there will have to be some serious celebrating. Any ideas out there?

10of 12
“Life is not easy for any of us. But what of that? We must have perseverance and above all confidence in ourselves. We must believe that we are gifted for something and that this thing must be attained.-Marie Curie

3 Responses to “Number 10 of Twelve”

  1. allie Says:

    isn’t it interesting how lonely we all feel, at some time, for some reason, and with the world waiting for us to find it again we all swim in the loneliness for awhile. and here you are, feeling lonely and, while we haven’t been through the struggle you have over these past months, and have only watched, wishing there was something more we could give, the most un-lonely thing of all is that we have all been there in some way, totally lonely, totally circling the THING of our loneliness, around and around, in our head. in a way, we can only admire you and cheer you on – but we also can certainly be your companions and compatriots in loneliness. you know how much you are loved, and you know that you are alone in something – but we are also alone, and with you for it. much love, dear.

  2. pam Says:

    Lina…you didn’t do anything to contribute to this….just bad luck, bad genes,
    cells run amuck….but I’m so happy you are nearing the end. You will be yourself again soon and Harry and I would love to visit when the chemo is done….we want to go to the school of falconry at the Equinox Inn….I need to
    see my power animal again. Know that we think of you all often…it’s been a
    year since you have left our village and we miss you lots. Love to all. pam

  3. Kristene Says:

    Lina, I love you. Hang in there. I love your honesty and transparency. How many people can admit to being lonely, angry, bitter, sad, or whatever else is not ‘fine’? I’m sorry to only support you through reading your entries, writing, and thinking of you. I wish I could be next to you, scrambling up a hill, doing underwater yoga, eating 4-hr bouillabaisse, just laughing and giving googly eyes.

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