Hello my peeps. Yep I started “cleano”up again this Wednesday (July 1st). I’ll be unhooked tomorrow. Yay.
I am definatly feeling blah and struggling with why I have to do three more months of this, even though I have had it explained by my Doctors and do rationally understand…but emotionally and spiritually… the mind just doesn’t want to wrap around it.
Going to the infusion after being out of it for a couple months was, well, mixed. On one hand there are all the lovely nurses welcoming you back: “Good to see you, you look well, your results look good, nice to see you” Cheery. But of course even through a sincere return smile of nice to see you too… ugh no actually it’s not nice to see you too. You are nice, but it is most certainly not nice to see you again.
Ah, boo hoo. It also is what it is.
I did have a good bit of a while there. Aside from the company of my beautiful, funny, insightful, and practically 16 year old, Georgia. A drop in from my friend Marci, as well as Poppy and my mum bringing tasty treats… aside from all those pleasantries, I met a spunky breast cancer patient, and a woman, probably around my age who had just found out last week she has colon cancer that has also metastasized to her liver. She was in for her first chemo and was obviously so raw wrapping mere idea that this was happening was just beginning to soak in. I did my best encourage and offer my support, information, smiles and positive thinking mantras. Oi, it seems like a lifetime from that beginning of realization of entering the tunnel knowing I will soon be seeing the light. How quickly you have to figure out how you are going to cope in order to survive the upcoming ordeal.
My dear Sara Beck is visiting and brought up a theory: introduced buy this man of many experiences. lives, thoughts and stories (Poppa Neutrino), that for everything we do we have a choice in how we proceed. Three choices, actually: engage, divert, or flee.
What are you inclined to do when the shit hits the fan?
If children have the ability to ignore all odds and percentages, then maybe we can all learn from them. When you think about it, what other choice is there but to hope? We have two options, medically and emotionally: give up, or fight like hell. (yes, finally) -Lance Armstrong
Lina, Deer 
July 3, 2009 at 5:58 am |
The people you meet there always amaze me. I keep thinking Lina, you may be there for them and not just you.
July 3, 2009 at 6:06 pm |
Hallo Lina,
The sun came out today for the first time in weeks and I thought of you and how you are doing. Hopefully, at some point you too will be Independent. Free from drugs, doctors and needles. Filled with love, health and laughter.
Love, Ann
July 5, 2009 at 12:59 pm |
What seems like a life time to you seems like the blink of and eye to me. How much you have changed huh? Ya know when eli was diagnosed with diabetes I was shell shocked for a good year that is why i started doing the century bike rides because having something physically hard to do felt easier than just feeling the emotion. Now lina i help people every day deal with the new diagnosis of being diabetic and relish in the experience i have to help them… you have come so far, grown so much and become even more beautiful battle wounds and all… life will open up doors you never new were there and you have already changed the life of those around you. .. three months … no problem… Same date as our wedding and that feels like it is flying towards us full speed… I think it is better to stand and fight at least you can see what is coming at you that way… love you and yours leigh
July 7, 2009 at 5:53 am |
Hang in there, Lina….the few months will pass quickly and by fall it will all
seem like a bad dream. You will be your beautiful self again….without that
metaport….and still a young 40. Love to all….Pam
July 9, 2009 at 2:54 am |
I am thinking of you and wanted you to know it. It’s amazing that you’re still finding the strength to go to the treatments. It’s not that you’ve got much alternative, but it’s still amazing. I can imagine that it’s probably harder to go now. I hope you will be able to focus your emotional and physical energy on the things that sustain you (companionship, dance, music, etc), because those are the things that you’ll be doing a year from now.
When we were cross country ski racing, we were told that the key wasn’t getting up the hills (something I really relished), but carrying on when you reached the top (something that was really tough). It sounds like you’ve reached the top of the hill, but the race isn’t over yet. Good luck! I know it’s not that easy, but you’ll find the strength to do it anyway!
Love, Jesse
July 13, 2009 at 3:17 am |
dearest lina
we are all held by hidden hands. i’ve been carrying you in mine. my learning journey through my own body teaches me that i can turn against, turn away from or, ultimately, turn towards what challenges me. i struggle with the last one–it seems the only possibility reality but i was trained in the first two only. so i wrote myself guidelines for turning towards what i would really rather turn away from or turn against:
-quiet my mind (or sing when quiet is impossible)
-face what is really true in the moment
-envision liberation (what will it be like, what exactly will i feel and see and experience when this is behind me)
i send you moments of spacious and unmitigated joy
dawna
July 13, 2009 at 7:58 pm |
The urge to flee is most strongly felt just before we – and even during – the decision to engage. It’s all tangled together and makes the song sweetly sung. I am excited for you to be nearing your way to the top of this hill. The whee on the way down is going to be awesome!
August 2, 2009 at 4:10 am |
Darling you are now at 3 down 3 to go!
August 5, 2009 at 2:20 am |
I used to run and hide when the shite hit the fan – now, reading this and other ups and downs this summer, I take a deep breath and I exhale, approach with peace – you are still teaching with your grace and goodness. And if it’s August that means the cleano is almost done. Here’s to the sunshine.