Rethink, Remind Rebirth

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.” – Nelson Mandela

Every time I go to my accupuncturist I read the above quote, as it is pinned to the wall. At first when I read it I struggled with the term God… Now months later I realize many things; God is a word and it may not be my word but the message is the same. My word may something more like “love” or “truth”… But aside from my achilles heel, which is getting stuck on the word or the term rather than the message, what I NOW feel about this qoute is that it speaks to at least part of the “truth” behind the cancer that has invaded my body.  I have NEVER been one to toot my own horn. I have never been able to accept compilments. Well, I would accept then gracefully and humbly, but not accept them into my person, into my perception of self. Frankly, I couldn’t even read and relate to the Mandela qoute until the last couple weeks. So what changed? Time and work and shock, mentally.  As well as a humungous dose of listening and reading YOUR words ideas and thoughts. I love and admire everyone of you so much. Seriously, I do. I have no problem telling you that I think you are the “bees knees”. But I couldn’t tell my self that I was the bees knees too. BUT then the conundrum right? Why would you, all you amazing people, be friends with me if I wasn’t the “bees knees” as well?

On May 7th Adrian and I met with my liver surgeon, Dr. Ferrone. She is a very confidence instilling person.  However, she told me the statistics and the extent of the surgery and I left badley shaken. Back to the beginning diagnosis is near to where I fell, but worse. Instead of panicking that I may die over a short time (whether months or a few years), I suddenly was thrown into a panic that I am going to die more speedily, whether on the operating table or soon after from liver failure. Panic, pain hearthache… worrying mostly of how my kids would cope without me and what they would miss. What? Okay loves this is how this paragraph relates to the previous. What would they or any one else miss out on if I was not the bees knees?

So guess what? Turns out I am the bees knees, and I don’t feel bad saying it anymore, I am not saying I am better than anyone else. What I am saying and feeling is that I am a good woman, a really great mom,  a creative, thoughtful person with good sense of humor and am happy with who, how and what I am.  I may not have had any typical career goals, but I believe now that my life has been ruled by finding, providing, experience and (giggles allowed) making LOVE. More recently, say the last 8 years, I have also been on a quest to live, speak and expect TRUTH. Some of you have been subjected to more truths than maybe they were ready for… heheh.

So here is my TRUTH: I am scared beyond measure about running this next gauntlet. I have my awesome green and yellow Jamaican Puma track shoes, bought with the intention of sprinting through this, moving quickly and healthily. But the thing that makes me calmer is the the LOVE I feel and get from all of YOU. The verbalization of your belief that I will get past this, that it is not my time to depart,  AND to FEEL our hearts beating together in our chests so strongly when we hug, as if you are channeling LOVE and strength to me. The words that; it is a good omen that this surgery is on my 40th birthday… a rebirth for the second phase of my life… The words you send in notes, emails, letters, phone calls… I believe in your words, your love and the prayers.  I believe WE are amazing and that the positive energy you focus on me might well just be like the hundredth monkey theory (“by generalization it means the instantaneous, paranormal spreading of an idea or ability”).

Three things I ask of you:

1) make a list of all the ways you are: “brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous”, and then send me a couple of the goodies, even though already know the ways I think you are brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous.

2) Try to (at least once a day) temper your judgement of other people, especially those closest to you, for they are often the ones who get the most friction (they’re safe…they love you)… temper it and replace it  with honest appreciation and love. Bad habits are hard to break… whew don’t I know it.

3) If things go wrong (NOT my plan) know that I absolutely adore you, every single one of you. Promise to tell my kids stories of us and our adventures, tales of me, and of them.

That being said, I expect visits laughter and party planning in the very near future.

“Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgement that something else is more important than fear.” -Ambrose Redmoon