Out of the Ocean; into the O.R.

“… without darkness
wat-041Nothing comes to birth,
As without light
Nothing flowers.”

-May Sarton

Ah lovies… my week long island retreat was just what the spirit needed. The smells particular to Jamaica: frangipani, brush and trash fires, salty children, and delicious food. We rode horses through the hills and into the ocean, we fed hummingbirds by hand, Poppy and Heikke turned into merchildren, and Georgia was dangerously close to being denied reentry into the States for looking so chestnut brown and happily irie. The clouds at sunset showed me strange shapes of women riding chickens, men swimming toward their children, the letters “W-H-Y” (seriously) and four dolphins leaping. Go figure. I can read all sort of island induced symbology into it… do what you will with it. For 7 days I got to feel somewhat “normal”.

However, in a strange coincidence the cook at the villa where we were staying, was not only someone Annie and Arthur had had the pleasure of meeting on a previous trip to Jamaica, but this beautiful and smiling Anndra, had colon cancer 3 years ago. We are all sorts and everywhere, aren’t we?  Anndra and I commiserated and boosted each other up with positivity and she fed me full of my favorites…. the Jamaican national dish; Ackee and saltfish; yummy Nesberries (a fruit like no other) and soups that delighted everyone.

Funny how the minute you board the airplane for home it seems the vacation never happened, save the tell-tale tan lines and sand under your toenails. Funny how I can land in Boston on a Saturday night and find myself strapped down on an operating table early Monday morning with a fistful of Radiologists attempting to embolize the left side of my liver.

As I lay there I tried my darndest to recall the moment in Jamaica I had decided to etch in my mind and body. Adrian, Georgia, Heikke and I had splashed our way to one of the docks. We were blissed out and sleepy under the high sun and a full morning of swimming. We all lay down. I put my hand on Georgia’s head to my left, my other on Adrian’s shoulder to my right, and Heikke dozed between my legs with his fat little arms and head using my belly as a pillow. I could hear Poppy porpoising playfully though the water, strong and proud at having figured out how to swim face down and face up. Lorna and her kiddos played on the shore with Anne and Arthur.  The sun warmed me and the sound of the water lapping at the dock was lulling us practically into dreamland. It was exactly what I had hoped our trip would be. And the feeling I had there on the dock was truly divine.

That is where I tried to summon myself to while for 5 hours doctors wove wires and needles full of numbing medication down the left side of and then under my diaphragm as they inserted microscopic beads and corkscrews into the veins of my left liver lobe. Normally the procedure goes in through a persons right groin artery, but because it is so important that the right side of my liver grow and be healthy enough for resection they had to go through the left…and according to my liver surgeon the Radiologists were not entirely happy about it. Frankly having to be awake and unsedated through the event was not exactly my best day either. So pooh, and now today, aside from feeling like I did a few rounds in the boxing ring…ah well, what’s past is past. On to the future.

What the near future holds: Two more “cleano’s” in the next month and I did mention my liver resection was to be the week of my birthday, right? In a peculiar twist of fate, coincidence or symbology I am getting that surgery on my actual birthday, May 21st. So as I said before, I will not be turning 40 this year.  Instead I will be birthing myself a new liver, and a new life.I look forward to loving it with you. As always, thank YOU for the constant stream of love and belief in my getting to the goal of free and clear!

“You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You must do the thing which you think you cannot do.” -E.Roosevelt

15 Responses to “Out of the Ocean; into the O.R.”

  1. ellen Says:

    I am so glad you had a lovely vacation. Thank you for blogging. I can totally hear your voice. Love the new photo! Sending lots of love! xoxoxoxoxoxo

  2. amy brooks Says:

    Hands down, absolutely and without a doubt THE most shining, beautiful, bursting sun gorgeous, sexy, fantastic, joyous photo I have ever laid eyes on.
    Hands down.

    love love love.

    Amy B.

  3. Brooke Says:

    the image you took to the table is bliss… I can see you all there right now and am smiling so big and right at you!! I’m sorry…so f@#kin sorry that you have to even get through these things at all… and wish that I could use all the Juju I’ve got to banish it all from you…. it’s going… I can hear it from here as it makes it’s way out…. sooooo long… see you later pest…
    You are so powerful Lina… and strong and full to overflowing with that brightest of lights.. and I just can’t help but believe that with all of that… and all of us… well, you know what I think love…..

    sending you a huge grin, super coziness, and of course lots of love…. and the wish that Spring will be on her way properly soooooon!
    xoxoxopeace, B.

  4. josh lindy Says:

    cant wait to meet your new liver! hope it likes me.i come off a little standoffish sometimes..

  5. Sharon Fantl Says:

    YOU’RE SO BEAUTIFUL AND AMAZING. I am smiling. And so look forward to celebrating your new life with you… your ever admiring friend. Keep going mama. And so much love from us down south to all you beauties!!!

  6. Sue-Sue Says:

    I echo Ellen’s sentiment–thank you so much for sharing your experiences. I had never seen you on horseback and you look like a “native”. The respite sounds and looks beautiful. I didn’t realize that things would go so rapidly after you returned home! But I’m relieved that the last of the (medical) steps is in sight. I will definitely pray that the right lobe of your liver just “gets” the biochemical message and grows healthily. And I agree that it is destiny that has your surgery scheduled for your birthday (d: Destiny–just like “Slumdog Millionaire”–a movie that you should see, if you have not already.)

    Until I see you all smiles.. Love and hugs.

  7. Jean Moncrieff Says:

    Deer Lina
    You found your horse!
    love to you all and happy spring!

  8. Leigh Says:

    tears streaming down my face… joy,warmth,beauty irony and sadness… what trials and tribulations you have had to face… you make me appreciate today… I hug my boys and love being alive with you on this beautiful earth….
    “Sometimes, if you stand on the bottom rail of a bridgea nd lean over to watch the river slipping slowly away beneath you, you will suddenly know everything there is to be known.”-winnie the Pooh
    (Just a wise thought from pooh)

  9. Jenn Sargent Says:

    It all sounds divine…well not the awake and no sedation but the trip. My love to you my angel and to the family. Can not wait to see you!

    Love Jenn

  10. Pam & Harry Says:

    Lina…looks like you found your horse! H and I will be in to visit in May…
    I’m so glad you had a great holiday…it’s good for the soul. You and your
    family are in our thoughts a lot…and as you know, we miss you terribly.
    Love to all….Pam

  11. Elena Says:

    What a picture! I see the the wonderful sun and lots of love, trade winds, and the ocean in that giant smile – wonderful update.

    Not such a wonderful thing to return to, but in your style, you face the future with your soul held high and may those bad cells be gone and the sunshiny, bright, healthy cells fill you up in the months coming up.

    Much love from me to you and all of yours… and hope to cross paths in Wtown, VT or Boston and just give you a giant hug.

  12. Michael and Sarah Says:

    Hey – Adrian didn’t tell me you all had seahorses!

  13. Kathleen De Simone Says:

    hey Beautiful what a joy to see you today, to be in touch in all those ordinary ways ways and to feel your absolute vitality…email me please so I can give you all my vital statistics and what not!!! you are a joy..and I am grateful to the whims of the universe that let usbe in the same time and space today…
    I feel that I have known you for at least 6 lifetimes!!! I am sending all healing thoughts, energy’s, light glories and hallelujahs ..you have such beauty in your strength…and you are surrounded with the love you have sown…hey are you Fletcher for the operation? I live 8 blocks away!!!also if you need to drop your daughter off for a play date…it would be grand!!! I am nothing but dress up clothes!! I send kisses now and the candle is lit…soon please…

  14. Tennille Coon Says:

    Excellent write up, I will bookmark this post in my Furl account. Have a good day.

  15. Jackie Says:

    I ran across this photo online and I am jealous. You look so happy. I adore horses and riding into the water looks and an amazing experience!

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