three & 3rd

“Promise me you’ll always remember: You’re braver than you believe, and stronger that you seem, and smarter than you think.”

Christopher Robin to Pooh- A.A. Milne


Today is Heikke’s 3rd birthday. It is also my beautiful sister’s birthday, as well as our dear friend Michaels happy day, and a number of other people we are lucky enough to know. Wonderful wise Pisces.

Today is also my 3rd round of “cleano”. My dad, Arthur, is accompanying me this time and so the time has been spent with jokes and hilarity. He is a naughty tease to all the staff. Good stuff for everyone actually.

I have recently been working on my visualizations. They seem an important aspect of this movement. Oh yes, I think I am done with the term “battle”. Inevitably battle/war leaves someone or some many with trouble scars and dispair. So I shed the “battle” term and choose “movement” instead. Also leaving on the word train is “my” cancer. I don’t want to own it. I’ll work on owning the other things I need to like: being grouchy and short to Adrian too often, avoiding conversations with friends for fear that conflict will override the love, being a little bit lazy about.. well, lots of things actually. These things I own, they are mine. But I don’t want to own this cancer. I don’t really want anyone to, so I send it off into the abyss of the unknown. Now my visualizations are about resolving my previous conflict with the notion that “cleano” is good for me, but bad for anyone else.

I picture my body a garden, beautiful flowers, veggies and fruits. With Poppy we used the metaphor that the doctors were weeding my garden with my colon surgery… it was a nice image. Now I visualize the liver tumor as hideous poisonous toads, black and warty… ah, take it where you want to. The “cleano” is a snake; winding its way through my garden. I have to be warm and inviting so as not to startle it into wreaking havoc on my bounty/body. It has a mission to find the toads and devour them. Snakes both fascinate and freak me out, so this metaphor for the “cleano” works. Dangerous, but necessary.

My last round went pretty well. I actually had a lot less nausea then the first. I had more cold sensitivity which is a drag because it impeeds my ability to enjoy the wintery weather in Vermont. We had a great visit from Tracey, Lola, Kate and India. It was so lovely to have them in the house and Kate cooked a deliciously spicy curried fish dinner and Tracey bestowed pancakes full of goodness upon us in the morning.

What became apparent to me as they pulled out of the driveway is that I need my peeps to come visit. To eat, drink, laugh and hug. The kids LOVE the company too. This means you! Are you reading this? Then you should come see us. Stay over, cook a meal if you like (I like!!)

Friendship doubles our joy and divides our grief.– Swedish proverb

Ps. I got some results back from my CEA Carcinoembryonic Antigen Test and it shows the “cleano” is having a positive effect on knocking  the cancer back.

11 Responses to “three & 3rd”

  1. kate Says:

    Happy happy birthday Heikke!!! i so clearly remember the day he was born and i often see the wonderful image of you and I (on tracey slideshow computer @ agassiz) with our perfect round bellys fitting together yin yang style! … what yummy boys we have and how fast three years went by.
    So fun to visit, to see your new home and new walking routes; to school, to coffee, to the mountain …. i loved it all.
    I have been putting together a box of interior mags for your cutting, taping, dreaming enjoyment…..
    lets talk, really talk (xo) very soon
    big happy cupcakes today

  2. Sharon Fantl Says:

    Okay dokey. We be coming back. I actually got an open Saturday or Sunday, this weekend, and an open Saturday afternnon/ evening and Sunday next weekend.

    I’m happy to descend- may be just me this time, but if you’ll have me, say the word. Call, text, whateveris easy and works for you guys.

    Much love and loving tending to your pretty, wild and mysterious garden,

  3. Michael and Sarah Says:

    We shall try to come soon Lina Deer!

  4. Pam & Harry Says:

    I’m so glad about the positive results from the chemo…
    We’re in for quite a bit of snow here…It’s been a very long winter….and
    for you as well. I send you hugs..and to the birthday boy too. Harry is on
    his meditation retreat….helping to heal the world spiritually, as he does in
    so many ways as a doctor.
    Please send our love to all….and keep up with your blog. I look forward to
    reading them. Lots of love, Pam

  5. Brooke Says:

    helloooo lovely!!

    Happy belated Birthday do Heikke!! and I can’t tell you how happy I am to hear that things are improving… that’s great news!! great!! I wish soo much I could come to see you, sooooo much! but for now I’ll have to be happy with seeing you in my minds eye orrrr… the eye of the computer! perhaps we can skype again soon?!.. I’m thinkin’ of you all the time and smiling hugely at you all!! I’m so proud to know you … wonderful dancin’ lady!

  6. annie mamameesimo Says:

    Dearest Lina,
    Although I look at your blog every other day and talk to you or see you much the same, I haven’t until now “responded” to your amazing blog in words. It feels, and is, so personal a soliloquy…your journeying…your curing your body with surgery, chemo, creativity that is deep, sincere, and visual through those so special and occasionally ever-so-devilishly funny photos. This blog is “you,” Lina. So you. To enter it is to to stand still a moment and take a breath—to prepare for surprise; to find you always creative, spontaneous, whimsical and serious, wise and grounded, focused, and delightfully free. Here, there, a colorful weaving of all the parts of you that are greater and more powerful than the cancer being “swept” out the door piece by piece, cell by cell every day. With the unspoken power of who you are and what you are doing, you are evicting it with all the forces and love you have gathered into your wide journey of healing. You may be my daughter but you are also my teacher. Your generous honesty, your positive “can-do-it” attitude, and again visual photos that are such sparkles of humor—all remind me through your wisdom that illness is not just something wrong with a person. It is an opportunity to make all things right. Thank you sweet Lina. I LOVE YOU! Annie

  7. the faun Says:

    Lina, sending you lots of love. I miss Woodstock these days. I saw Adrian at church last Sunday and told him the good news that I will be farming with some friends on some land about a forty minute drive from our hundred-acre wood. Hope you guys will come visit and bring the little ones.
    Keep on enchanting.

  8. Janet Says:

    So miss Heikke and Poppy and YOU and Adrian at the bus stop. Especially the incredible adorable Heikke who was my primary source of smiles and laughter while waiting for Aidan. I’m a quote collector and love the two you wrote in this recent entry… I’ve sent them on to Hannah. Your metaphors are vivid and powerful … being a visual person I have this image in my mind of your words that’s so strong and colorful. Have you drawn or painted any of your visions/visualizations? Or danced to it? Of course there’s weeding the garden but there’s lot’s to celebrate and harvest, too… 😉 Thank you for sharing your story, you write so beautifully.

  9. Shajen Says:

    Happy belated birthday to Heikke. I am so glad the Maya and Poppy are getting time together and yeah, I want to laugh and giggle and eat great food with you and your family. Lets make a date! I will call you if you don’t call me soon.

    love to you and yours

  10. Rachel Mosedale, an old friend Says:

    Hello Lina,

    I heard form Anne this morning and have been captivated by your story and blog. Your words are amazing, and I feel as though I am really part of your world even though we haven’t spoken in…good golly, forever. I love all the visualizations, images, and humor that weave through your journey. You have such a strong life force! I am carrying you with me as I attend all sorts of groovy Boulder type ceremonies – movement mass with dancers on Sunday, healing circles, woman’s groups. Sending you some far out Boulder healing love! I have been reminiscing today about visiting with you in full adolescent status. How much fun it was to leave Franconia (tiny town) and come to Hanover. We would stop at that store at the bottom of the hill. Can’t remember the name, but do remember the sign on the way in – if we don’t have it you don’t need it. Funny what stays with me after all these years. I would so love to visit you and feed you and really meet your beautiful children and husband and see your soon to be remodeled Vermont farmhouse. My mind is wild with images. I am so glad to be able to read your blog and support from here. I will send a few things via snail mail just for fun. With so much love~ Rachel

  11. Teddy Madrigal Says:

    Haha I am honestly the only comment to your amazing writing!

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