Paths and Pathology

Dear loved one and all!

I happily find myself home. Delivered through the good hands of doctors, family, friends and the treasure trove of love prayers and positive, star shining energy from each and every one of you. Though not quite nestled back in the family bed (still too many limbs flailing and small bodies trying to orient themselves to magnetic north). I am happy to be here even if I am finding it difficult not to do too much. However, today Poppy was granted her Christmas wish, purple hair. Well, not ALL purple, but a goodly amount. Why the heck not. Hair grows longer, life doesn’t. 

I also gave Lorna a sassy new haircut before she left for the cozy arms of her awaiting clan in Boulder. What a joy it was to have my uber capable little sister by my side. Funny how the circle completes itself. From the minute that butterball entered the world as my little sister I spent my time watching out for and protecting Lorna, and now I get to reap the benefits of having been a mostly benevolent older sibling.

The positive side of my body “cancering” has been opportunity of recognition and appreciation. It shouldn’t take a potentially terminal illness to break the adult walls/boundaries we erect between ourselves and the ones we hold most dear. What pure sweet love to fall asleep, the night before she left, holding Lorna’s hand, snuggled in bedclothes and slumber, just like we did three decades ago. And my two cents… don’t wait for the alarm. Rationally we all know this advice; we just don’t oft act on it.

Remind me sometime to tell you the story of the handsome scowler.

Now the science. The surgeon who removed about 8 inches of my sigmoid colon, including my tumor (named Sigmond) and a previously unknown number of lymph nodes, abdominal fluid, and my right ovary called last evening with the results. He bespoke no outrageous miracles, but certainly no more bad news. Of the 30 lymph nodes 7 held cancer cells. They found no cancer in my abdominal fluid, nor in my ovary (that turned out to be disfigured by a number of cysts). All this bodes well for chemo, acupuncture, diet, prayers, and power of mind to melt away the liver tumors like butter. 

I was thinking about when I was a kid and people would enevitably ask me what I wanted to be when I grew up. My answer was always the same. Sometimes I think people thought I didn’t know what I wanted, or that I was being sassy, but I was being true and real. When we were moving I found a book called “All about me” where I wrote about my life and fears and joys. Same question in the book, same answer scrawled in 2nd grade handwriting. As an adult I have worried that I didn’t create a solid career, other than being a mother (yes, a full time job)… But the outpouring of support has showed me that I succeeded in my simplest childhood ambition.      Thank you ALL!

Q: What do you want to be when you grow up?   A: Me


To be a star, you must shine your own light, follow your own path, and don’t worry about the darkness, for that is when the stars shine

15 Responses to “Paths and Pathology”

  1. Leigh Says:

    What a beautiful and poinent prose you write. Strange how it takes a catastrophic event to change our way of thinking of life. Your experience has certainly made me reevaluate my own perspective. You obviously have made many ripples in this pond we call life and should be proud of who you are. I know you can do it lina.. i know you can. I meditate daily on the shrinking of the liver tumors. Ask adrian if he remembers our elementary school librarian. She had a brain tumor quit her job and meditated for long hours for many days.. she was a buddist. At the end of her meditation she no longer had a brain tumor. anything is possible if you believe

  2. Brooke Says:

    Hello Lovely… what wonderful words.. thank you…again. You are so right, it is always good to remind ourselves of what’s the most important… in others and within ourselves..
    You are truly treasured and held close to the hearts of so many people… I feel lucky to be one of those….without even knowing, you just lifted me up and looked right into my eyes and told me that how I’ve been feeling about things for the last few days is just right… thanks for the reassurance… How do you even do that!? sooo… Yup, again.. Thank you my lovely friend… can you feel the warm embrace comin’ o’er the dark wintery seas to you… we’re right there with you guys all the time…xoB

  3. Lola Moonfrog Says:

    Thank you, Lina, for giving us such a beautiful photo of you with your 2 protectors! When I asked Shanadii, my Apache (pronounced Apashu in the correct language) Elder, whose name means Listening Deer, to tell me some things about Deer Medicine/Deer People in her tradition – for you – she shared:

    “It means walk softly, especially with the Does…they are very maternal, loving, caring, and very protective of those that have less strength, or that have trouble. The males can be very aggressive at rutting time. This is just to show off, so the strongest are the ones that breed. Deer value life too much, so they value the life of others….if they really really trust you, they will be friends, and can be like puppy dogs [I’m thinking family bed here, like a puppy pile]. Deer are non-aggressive, but they sure can fight if they have to. They will do anything not to fight, but they are not afraid to fight, in all ways, especially to protect the young and the elders.”

    I murmured that maybe it’s time you could turn this protective fighting power for healing yourself, and Shanadii said,

    “Think of the Light, visualize a White Deer.”

    You are greatly treasured, beautiful Loving One ~ Love and Hugs, Lola

  4. Allie Says:

    Welcome home!!!


  5. Shajen Says:

    Lina what great news!
    You continue to swarm in my thoughts and heart as I am so taken with your wisdom and insight into life and whats important. You Shine Brightly Power Woman!

    xoxo Shajen

  6. Erinn Says:

    all will be well, i’m sure of it. ALL THE LOVE IN MY HEART to both of you and all of yours.
    xxx erinn

  7. amy brooks Says:

    How can i miss you as much as I do?! It can’t be a past…Oh wait…I think I’m missing something most wonderful—our future! I guess I’m not even missing it, I’m excited and thrilled about it and I wish we were catching up under the stars right now! You inspire me so, o powerful, warrior. You are as strong as water Lina. Strong as water. And as graceful and deep and beautiful. You know this whole time, i really haven’t been thinking about the cancer as much as i’ve been thinking of you and your inspired appreciation for the heavens and earth and the love around and within you. That’s what i think about…so much more powerful than the science. I have grown from the your words, they have been my nature of late. Soon we will get our poppy’s together and I’ll probably have to dye her hair purple then too.

    Oh and i love the little designs we all get when we write in. Nice job on the blog!

    Talk soon.


  8. Sue-Sue Says:

    I have been truly heartened by your serene outlook. It’s good to know that you are home. Keep blogging so that we all can remain connected.

    Love and hugs.


  9. Sharon Fantl Says:

    Love love love.
    So happy to hear more news- to see your glowing face- to hear your full circle thoughts.
    Fight, hope, dream, nestle and receive.
    The moon and stars are shining bright, and we all love you.

    sharon and ron

  10. Dorine Tans Says:

    Dearest Lina,
    May the Force be with you,
    Love, Dorine

  11. diva locks Says:

    welcome home DEER-Lola’s explanation is so true- as you will see when you visit me out in the end of this island i live on -i am surrounded by deer families-or should i say i moved into their hood and they are surrounded by our families-they have taught me so much about protecting others as have you. you are a rock star of a friend and i love the ‘me’ you are.

    I can only imagine the happy smiles on all of your faces when you walked through the door. I am smiling thinking of you with all your clan and their purple hair. (i believe i remember georgia had to wait until she got lice in order to go pink)

    a whole bunch of love from my bunch to you and yours


  12. pam Says:

    Hope you’re settled in for the cold coming….we’re in St. Martin and keeping
    track of home weather. Sherry and I were soooo happy we saw you
    on Monday…I hope you’re feeling better….please let us know when you’re
    back in town so Harry can say hi…..he didn’t think they would release you
    that soon.
    Also, let me know if you ever want to see my shaman in Arlington….she is
    quite a neat person….and wise too.
    In the meantime, I will send you healing thoughts through my falcon….
    and please send my love to all.
    Pam (we’ll be home in another week)

  13. Ann H from Agassiz Says:

    HI Lina,

    Thanks for the updates. I am glad you get to sleep in your own bed with your darlings near by.

    You are always in my thoughts and prayers.

    Love, Ann

  14. Kathy Sehnal Says:

    Hi Lina, I loved reading from your blog. Now, I understand more what one is. Poppy looks awesome with her purple hair! Between the hair and her lost tooth( hers was the first one of the year!!), and mostly you being back home, she is doing so well. Reading and writing continue to be her favorite things to do whenever she can. She is enjoying her friends, and seems very happy. I just adore her so much! Your wonderful spirit carries over in her every day. Take care. kathy

  15. Johanna Ralston Lamb Says:

    Hey Lina –
    Delighted you are back in VT; Anders will envy Poppy’s purple locks! My cooking’s oretty terrible so it’s good you’re too far away for me to offer, but let me know if there is anything practical I can do on the “navigating the system” front. I’ve a black belt in patient advocacy earned through my own healthcare hijinks so happy to help with health insurance issues and my employer (ACS) funds a patient navigator at MGH to help with non-clinical issues (ie: ride to chemo, art therapy for kiddos) and has programs in Burlington as well. Lots of prayers and good thoughts and loving energy to you and the family! xo Johanna

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